Journal #167: A Dead Tree Among Lush Trees
'Birds gather at the single dead tree amidst the lush, abundant ones. The dead tree is completely empty and hollowed out, so it is pure. Even in death, it becomes a playground for the birds, or a home. Even with many birds present, it is lonely and lacks vitality. Is it a matter of my perspective?'
Routines are definitely important. It is the only thing that keeps me moving even through pain.
After failing to make plans to meet up.. my mindset.. my mental state was completely shattered.
So this morning, I didn't want to get up at all; I just wanted to stay lying in bed and sleep.
I didn't even particularly feel like going to church. As luck would have it, it was raining, so I didn't have to go for a run either.
My journal and today's to-do list were both already taken care of last night. I just wanted to lie there.
However, I had to move. And I finally realized why so many depressed people just try to sleep more.
I wanted to escape from reality. Was it said that sleep is a rehearsal for death..
Sleeping was the only refuge.
However, because the cafe service was a promise, I got myself up and moved forward.
To be honest, today I really didn't want to do anything.
Because of my sinusitis, I kept coughing, and I was completely dissatisfied with my physical condition.
The entire time I was at church, the thought 'Ah, now it's time to leave' just wouldn't stop.
I even tried my best not to go to the Retreat I had planned on attending.
However, all these fears and discomforts are nothing more than illusions I created.
Yes. In reality, nothing has happened. It is merely an illusion created by me.
She is attending the service as if nothing happened, and people are acting just as usual.
It is a pain that only I know, but if I stay awake and view everything as mere phenomena or images of my own making, then truly, nothing has happened.
I still cannot properly discern my own greed and desires from God's word.
David invading other nations and waging war to expand his kingdom might have been his own ambition.
Because we cannot capture God's word into mere text.. yet David truly followed that which was deep within his heart.
Whether that was greed and desire or not, what remains certain is that voice inside David. That is it.
Hence, I began to have doubts about Jesus. Is letting go of everything truly right, and is it genuine freedom?
Dividing life into the secular and the spiritual is inherently dualistic in itself. If so, what should I do and how?
Yes. Following that which is inside my heart, just as David did. Following that voice of God.
Even if it happens to be an act of denial, believing that it is God's plan to create a new person and moving forward.
Even if such emotions—jealousy, obsession, despair—cause harm to someone else, believing and moving forward.
However, did that truly originate from my own desire and greed? Discerning this as I move forward.
Simply believing and moving forward. Believing that the answer is not Jesus, but what lies within me, and moving forward.
Moving forward with the understanding that what is inside me is God, who is creating me.
Simply believing. Even if my body and mind are destroyed, believing it is God's will to crush my old self and make me a new person.
- Father, if I have gained wrong or flawed insight, if I am walking down the wrong path, I pray that You will please hold onto me.
Now I simply follow the passion within me.
All anxiety, jealousy, thoughts of how others view me, and everything I feel—these are all merely images.
They are Maya. They are mere phenomena. Even if someone insults me, the world does not change.
It is simply that the world I live in changes depending on my perspective and my attitude toward it.
Heaven and Hell shift based on where my perspective resides.
Will I live entangled in external forces, or will I live relying on the power within?
That is, will I live bound to the secular world, or will I live relying on the Father?
No, it is not dualism. I will live relying on the Father within the secular world.
I just do it. Do not shrink back. Wisdom comes from experience. Truth is what I live and experience.
It is not in any book, text, or word. It is what I go through. It is how I live.
Yet, it is receiving all those things while staying awake in the Father.
Therefore, maintaining cheerfulness and detachment in any situation, accepting what cannot be changed, and living resiliently.
Therefore, turning fear into excitement in any situation, gathering courage, and moving forward.
And through godliness, becoming a role model, inspiration, and deeply moving presence for others so they may come to know the Father.
And giving back and sharing what is gained for the glory of the Father.
Do not define myself by saying I must do all these things.
I am nothing, and yet I am also a special being.
Finally, to add a quote from 'The Glass Bead Game'..
"How wonderful it would be if he could make clear and prove to others what seemed so clear to himself:
that his action this time, his 'free will,' was actually service and obedience; that he was heading not toward freedom, but toward a new, unfamiliar, and uneasy bond;
that he was going not as a deserter, but as one called, not doing as he pleased, but obeying, and that he was not a master, but a victim!
(Omitted) Even if he was merely being led rather than going on his own, and even if it was not a self-transcendence but simply the space turning around a person standing in the center, virtue still remained, possessing its value and charm.
That virtue lay in affirming rather than denying, in obeying rather than evading, and perhaps, to some extent, in acting and thinking as if he were the master—accepting unconditionally this life and its self-deception, this illusion of seeming to decide and take responsibility for oneself;
acting instinctively rather than intellectually, even without knowing the reason."
- Father, thank You. This insight may or may not be from You. However, I wish to directly experience this world You have granted me.
Knowing that everything will move within You and according to Your will.
–
–
It's hard. Yesterday, I essentially ended up debating with her.
And in the end, I came to the conclusion that even if I shared what I had realized, she wouldn't be able to understand.
Was Father perhaps trying to teach me this very lesson?
It's definitely not that she is wrong. It's just that, like Laozi or Jesus, it is saddening because there is no one who understands.
I know full well that I am neither articulate nor skilled at persuading others.
And above all, I now realize that speaking to anyone about the insights and realizations I've gained is utterly meaningless.
If they are happy, that is the answer. Because we aren't a matter of right and wrong.
So I try hard not to hold onto strange feelings. Of course, temptation exists, and such thoughts will always return to me.
This isn't because I was rejected by her. To her, I was simply just one of the young adults.
I tried hard to meet on equal ground, while she simply viewed it from the position of a leader and a member.
Setting that aside, through this back-and-forth conversation, I realized. She will neither acknowledge nor understand what I possess.
To someone, it's the Way; to another, a lamp; to another, the true Self; to another, Vishnu or Atman; to another, the Father or Lord; to another, Jesus.
The scriptures of each religion are merely guidebooks. No matter how much I explain this, she will only pretend to understand without truly comprehending.
Ah.. why was Laozi lonely? Why was Jesus lonely?
True love comes not from loving someone exceptional, but from treating everyone with absolute equality.
Therefore, romantic love toward one person is a luxury, and it can become a chain that binds me.
The act of making friends is the same. Simply viewing and treating everyone as equal beings—that is equality and love.
Will a conversation with her even be possible now? Ah.. this is a dilemma I once wrestled with back in Canada.
And in the end, when we met in Korea, I couldn't share many of those words with her.
Is it perhaps flowing toward the same result again? Since life is a pattern and a repetition..
Yet on the flip side, the Father grants the power to break that very cycle.. truly, the future remains unknown.
I put resin into the meteor earrings, but the color doesn't stand out and feels too ambiguous.
Should I say it turned into an overly plain pair of earrings.. but then if it stands out too much, it becomes tacky..
The shield has returned to being a necklace.
I'm trying to go with a Y-layered necklace feel.. sigh, but doing this makes the list of things to do grow again.
Thanks, Father
Phew.. it's hot. I've been feeling somewhat down these days.
I couldn't even work out properly. I just had no energy.
After going to Jongno this morning, nothing was particularly different.
As for the meteor earrings, the resin color is too dark, so I'm wondering what I should do..
I'm also thinking maybe going with it as-is is the right choice..
I don't know if a conversation with her will even happen tomorrow.
Thinking about it, it was my own mistake and fault. I suppose I was holding onto official business and private feelings at the very same time.
Therefore, she had no choice but to perceive everything purely officially.
Because I called her out under an official pretext, even though I held a private desire to grow closer.
Thus, I should apologize. And I am thinking about just stepping back.
However, this is my EGO speaking, not what my Father is saying.
Therefore, I do not know what choice I will make, for He speaks no word.
Father, thank You for pointing out my shortcomings.
–
- –
Yesterday and today, I attended the Retreat.
Overall, it was fun. The best part was when I served others.
Washing the dishes, grilling meat for people. Though I didn't realize it at the time, natural actions done for others without expecting a reward truly satisfy me.
Isn't this the very image of humanity and the world that Laozi, Jesus, and many spiritual masters desired?
People say that if everyone sought a life like the ideal I look toward, the world would collapse.
However, the Quaker experiment in Pennsylvania was successful.
In the 18th century, it even became an important center of agriculture and commerce.
Every religion lived freely according to its own faith and conscience.
However, it collapsed due to human self-interest—the desire to claim all the land from the indigenous people and to increase personal gain.
Why did it turn out this way?
The experiment in Pennsylvania failed because they accepted not just religious people, but non-religious immigrants as well, which led to trouble.
For religious people, each faith has its guidebook. One core meaning across them is to 'erase the ego.' That is, to erase greed and desire.
Given that those immigrants did not accept such principles, the failure of the Pennsylvania experiment was, in a way, natural.
At any rate, there was that kind of enjoyment, and the only disappointment lay within myself as expected.
Simply that I couldn't have a conversation with her. That I couldn't even bring up the words to talk.
If there was anything I was disappointed in her about, it was that she is always all talk.
Was this the result she wanted to create? Now, truly, no lingering attachment remains toward the church.
Perhaps wanting to get close to her was my very last attachment. Of course, worship remains my number one priority.
However, worship doesn't have to be in the young adult group, nor does it necessarily have to take place inside a church building. Because heart, not place, is what matters.
This morning, as I woke up and sat looking at a tree, this thought came to mind.
That tree was a dead tree, and around it were many lush, abundant trees.
'Birds gather at the single dead tree amidst the lush, abundant ones.
The dead tree is completely empty and hollowed out, so it is pure.
Even in death, it becomes a playground for the birds, or a home.
Even with many birds present, it is lonely and lacks vitality.
Is it a matter of my perspective?'
- Father, thank You. For giving me the final piece of the puzzle.
NecklaceUploadTo WebsiteTo AmondzTo Q10
EarringCastFinish Meteor Earring
- 상표 등록 (In Progress)
- 2nd Season
- Finish Tower Shield
- Finish
- Take a pic
- Product
- Wearing
- Make a poster
- Upload
- Website
- SNS
- Insta
- X
- Amondz
- Q10
- Earring
- Get the rubber molds
- Egg
- Hammer
- Pavis Shield
- Get the rubber molds
- Key Chain
- Get engraving
- Finish Tower Shield
- Reorganize the e99 website, like pics til it’s done for every product
- Retake the photos of the earring that is on it.
- Retake the pic of the Ramen necklace
Update the work pageFigure out the latest news on fashion, music, and etc
- Renew a blog constantly
- –
- –
Finish reading the book I’ve been reading
- Have two jobs.
- Finish reading the book I’ve been reading
- Cancel Clip Studio before 12/09
💸💸💸
Yearly
- eLEMENTOR pLUGIN ₩85,000
(oCTORBER) - cAFE24 hOSTING ₩60,000
(fEBRUARY) - SSL ₩40,000
(mARCH)
Total ₩-
uNESSENTIAL
- Lunch ₩24,000
- Decaf coffee ₩3,000
Total ₩27,000
January ₩216,900
March ₩778,000
May ₩226,000
July ₩144,000
February ₩188,000
April ₩322,500
June ₩126,000
August ₩138,000
jOURNALING (주간 일기) #144
jOURNAL (주간 일기) #143
jOURNAL (주간 일기) #142
jOURNAL dAILY (주간 일기) #141
jOURNAL dAILY (주간 일기) #140
