Journal #159: Death feels like salvation. But suicide is a sin, so it's not something I can do.

June 28, 2026
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HYUN

Sunday

21st June

Maybe it’s because I couldn't say what I wanted to say at the funeral yesterday… it feels like my cord has snapped. The cord that was holding me up.. it just snapped. And without even realizing it, I slept until 9. As for why the cord snapped, I don't really know the details either. They said the cafe wouldn't open today due to the funeral schedule. At the same time, I decided not to go to church either. It just naturally happened that I didn't go. Not forced, but naturally, the feeling that I should go snapped right along with that cord. And starting next Sunday, I plan not to go to the cafe and church.

This is a journey where the inside and the outside become one, and it is my training. Let's just be satisfied that yesterday's training was simply about taking steps. Maybe I was afraid of becoming alone again, of being isolated. Even so, it's not like the connections I've made so far are disappearing, nor were they meaningless.

They are all good people who taught me things and made me smile. Seeing this, isn't the world originally meant to be one after all? Because if we know that we are 'us', we will give love to one another to make each other laugh and be happy. We are fundamental light, and we possess the ability to brighten each other up.

In the evening, I got a migraine for the first time in a while. But maybe because it's been a while and I took the medicine for it after so long, it cleared up right away.. and I'm getting super sleepy. Well then, I should head off to sleep now.

Thank you, God. For letting me know that there are things to learn in every single moment of experience.

Monday

22nd June

I injured my shoulder again while working out this morning. Sigh.. feels a bit worse than last time. Since it hurts even when I'm just staying still..

Anyway, today was the day my mom got discharged from the hospital, so I went and helped her out. To be honest, it was kind of a hassle. It wasn't even that serious, and she could walk just fine. Honestly, hmh.. it was more that I went because I was worried she'd be disappointed or hurt. I went there and waited on the 1st floor for an hour and a half. Seems like there were quite a few things to take care of before discharge. I felt a bit of irritation starting to build up, but since it wasn't something my mom knew about either, I just let it be. My shoulder was throbbing, and overall, it was just one of those sensitive days.

Wrapped up all the product photoshoots. They turned out better than expected, and my buddy working on this with me liked them too. Now all that's left is to shoot the posters and fit pics. The website product uploads are almost done as well.

My shoulder still hurts. It feels like it's even leaking into a headache. I try reading the Old Testament, but it just doesn't register. I think I've strayed pretty far off the path. I always ask the Father.. I ask Him to set me straight if I'm wrong.. but He just leaves me be. Is this really right?

Also, that feeling of something snapping—the one carrying over from yesterday—is still present even now. Death feels like salvation. But suicide is a sin, so it's not something I can do. How should I put it… thoughts like this keep popping up too: “Is it really okay for me to keep living like this…?” Maybe it’s because things aren’t working out the way I planned.. Still, I just have to deal with it. If things were meant to succeed right after dropping a product once, anyone could do it.

Father.. I realized that material wealth is not 'evil.' After all, good and evil were concepts that never existed in the first place. Please grant me material abundance. And may I offer these back to You and share them with the world. May I be able to spread a good influence onto people..

Thank you, Father. Right in this very moment, I’ve come to realize that material wealth isn't inherently 'evil.'

Tuesday

23rd June

The shoulder pain won't go away. Still went for a run though. It didn't hurt while running, but around lunchtime, the pain hit me all at once. Could it be a fracture? Right now, it's manageable again. Since I don't commute to the office, I have a fair bit of time on my hands. As expected, saving that 40-minute round trip.. seems like a huge deal. Without that time taken up, I can actually work on the creative stuff I want to do. I'm making the posters right now.. thinking it'll probably wrap up by tomorrow. Stripping away the cheap-looking bits, and, well, if I mess around with it long enough, something should come out of it, right?

The Old Testament still just doesn't register with me. It's definitely different from last year. Questions pop up at every turn. And the dualism, plus stuff like incest and curses... man, it's just.. How is this linked to someone like Jesus.. No matter how hard I try to read it spiritually rather than literally, it just doesn't click. I feel like I've definitely strayed off this path now. Still, I'd like to talk through what's on my mind at least once—not with a pastor, but with the person helping me out.

What even are 'good' and 'bad'? I know the images that surface during contemplative prayer don't actually exist. They say you're supposed to let them go. I've been putting effort into doing that time and time again, but it hasn't been easy. If what I want is for the inside and outside to become one, how about actually bringing even these images to reality..

So, images that trigger fear and images that picture happiness are different. And tons of ideas come to me, too. Are we supposed to let go of even those things? Like I've said before, it's just one step. The moment I take that step and tread onto the next thing, it feels like the world will brighten up. But that single step would have to hold so many things, and I'd have to do so much. Those would probably be the things I haven't done yet.

Thank you, Father. For giving me so much inspiration today.

Wednesday

24th June

Finished making all the posters. Feels like my sense for this is getting better as I go. The shoulder pain is getting better compared to before. Now it feels like it's moved to my neck. Lately, I can't seem to focus on contemplative prayer. Is it a good thing that ideas keep coming? I just want to think about nothing, immerse myself in the Father, and listen to His voice. But I keep catching myself thinking about product design. I couldn't even fill an hour this morning, and in the evening, I could only manage around 35 minutes.

Looks like I'll end up writing down the things that matter to me and sticking them on the wall. I keep forgetting. Today, that same thought crossed my mind again. That ultimately, both I and the other person exist for each other, shaping one another. And in the end, though our forms may differ, our source is one and the same. We call waves 'waves' and even divide them, but ultimately, they share the same single, vast source—the ocean. Father, please align my inside with my outside, and may everything within me become one with this world, forming a continuous flow. May nothing be mine, and may I become someone who can share all things.

Thank you, Father, for teaching me about this concept of flow and cycle.

Thursday

25th June

Is this a withdrawal symptom.. I don't know why I keep ending up sleeping 10 hours these days.. Well, fortunately, it's my rest week from working out so it's fine, but it doesn't feel particularly great.

I'm designing a necklace and it's coming together better than expected. Still, I can't let my guard down. At least not until I've checked the prototype..

I only have 2 more necklaces to design, which feels like it'll be done in no time. Today I designed the Excalibur necklace and two basic necklaces. Now I just need to make the shield and crown necklaces look cute and well-crafted.

I'm still having a hard time making the inside and outside one. I practice contemplative prayer, but all kinds of thoughts keep consuming me. Maybe even this idea of unifying the inside and outside is just my ego? Right. That, too, is my ego. That thought is also something I have to let go of. I just need to remain conscious and stay aware.

Hoping only that the Father fills me completely..

Thank you, Father. For giving me so much inspiration today as well.

Friday

26th June

My eyes feel like they're going to pop out from doing nothing but design work. I've got the crown roughly wrapped up, and now only the shield is left to design. I was going to make 5 different shield variations, but I think I'll have to stick to just 3. 5 feels way too cluttered. Feels like I won't even be able to finish tomorrow.

Still, this is so much better than a 9 to 5.. The money will follow on its own eventually.

Thank you, Father. For being someone I can lean on.

Saturday

20th June

Did a major deep clean today for the first time in a while, as Saturday marked the end of the first half of the year! Organized my books and swapped out a few things for new ones. I didn't finish the studio completely, but I got a good amount done. I'll probably end up popping in and out a few times this week to finish wrapping it up.

Things got all tangled up while trying to open my Etsy shop. After linking a Payoneer account I had made a long time ago, I forgot about it and created a brand-new account. Then, during the setup process, when the payout account wouldn't let me change it, I naively thought, "I can probably just change it after it's open." Turns out you can't change it... and the initial $20 listing fee was charged, even with the exchange rate being so high. It isn't a huge amount of money, but having no income and watching my bank account hit rock bottom just made me feel so suffocated. I reached out to support but got an automated AI reply, so I sent another email. Sigh... After so much deliberation to finally open this, to get blocked right out of the gate like this... Father... I'm honestly so exhausted now...

It's hard enduring each and every day. Saying I'm fine and that it isn't tough would be a lie. I'm simply leaning on the Father. Because He's the only place I can truly lean on. I'm just enduring. Saying I'm not anxious would be a lie, too. I'm just enduring. Simply because I know these aren't my true feelings, but just fleeting images. I'm just letting them flow past. Because everything has its time, and the Father has His own time to move.

Thank you, Father. For letting me gain wisdom from the very bottom.

e99 *bY -05

~~Start selling the new rings~~
- ~~Take a photo~~
  - ~~Product~~
  - ~~Poster~~
  - ~~Add to the website~~
    - ~~Category~~
    - ~~Modify Ring size chart~~
    - ~~Organize the collection and tag~~
- ~~Necklaces~~
  - ~~Sketch four necklaces~~
~~Sand every case in the office~~
~~Start ETSY~~

상표 등록 (In progress)
2nd Season
- Take photos of the new rings on it.
- Necklaces
  - Finish designing
  - Print
  - Fix something wrong
  - Re-print
Reorganize the e99 website, like pics til it’s done for every product
Retake the photos of the earring that is on it.
Fix the problem ETSY
Organize every jewelry component
Start Ideas, Q10 and Pinterest.

wEAMI *bY -05

To renew a blog constantly
- Blog -> Magazine
  - Turn the anime page into a page, like a magazine
    - Find out the references (Magazine, sns, blog, etc)
    - Copy!