일기 175: 난 앞으로도 사람을 믿고, 기다릴 것이다. 그리고 악을 선으로, 사랑으로 갚을 것이다. • WEAMi

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Journal 175: I will continue to trust and wait for people in the future. And I will repay evil with good, with love.

난 앞으로도 사람을 믿고, 기다릴 것이다. 그리고 악을 선으로, 사랑으로 갚을 것이다.
그렇다면 빈말, 즉, 거짓말을 하는 사람이 나쁜가? 그 사람이 나쁜 것이 아니다.
그 사람의 선을 가리는 그 사람의 세상이 잘못된 것이다. 그를 탓할 필요가 없다.
그저 그들을 사랑하고 선으로 돌려주며 그에게 죽은 나무와 같이 자리를 내어줄 것이다.

Sunday

11th October

I once said that life is choice occurring naturally. However, at the same time, it is also true that one chooses.
Whether choices will occur while submerged and eyes closed in the given environment, language, and thoughts,
Or whether choices will occur with the courage to transcend all of those things and face the inside.
Perceiving 'how' rather than 'what' may perhaps be identical to these words.
There is no absolute answer. I do not know any certain answer, and the only thing I truly know is the single existence called 'I'.

Today, after volunteering, I attended the service for the first time in a while.
By the way, I heard that the person I was interested in got a boyfriend about a month ago.
My heart sank!.. but that is merely a difference in mindset, and nothing in reality changes.
I always try to remain in the present. My heart is not fully settled, but I try.
The world doesn't need to allow it. I simply believe in 'That' and keep moving forward.

The anthology of Meister Eckhart's sermons, which I am re-reading after a long time, has begun to read very well.
Now there are many statements that I finally understand. They don't feel difficult at all.
After coming to know non-duality and vividly sensing the feeling that "I am,"
I was able to become completely immersed while reading this book.

Phew.. My mind is still confused. Even though I know it is merely passing..
Even though it isn't mine, my heart aches. That is because 'That' loves this body and mind.
I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I know its beginning.
Now I intend to sever that beginning. For if pain has a beginning, it must also have an end.

I appreciate and love everything.

Monday

12th October

I take back what I said yesterday about intending to sever the beginning.
It just really makes no sense to do something by my own will.
There is no such thing as will. Things will simply happen naturally on their own.
Even if all thoughts, emotions, and the body are not mine, I still feel them.
Especially if one denies emotions, it simply becomes nihilism.

It is not about denying emotions, but receiving and letting them flow as they are.
If you are joyful, you are joyful. If you love, you love.
There is no need to try to hide them or conceal them. Let us accept them purely.
Simply recognize that they are not yours, and even if they disappear, do not crave them, do not desire them.
You do not need to prove your existence through them.
Because 'That' or 'God' or 'the Unnamable Something' delights and rejoices in being known itself.
Only now do I realize this. One could say it is late, but it has simply arrived at the right time.

Before going to work this morning, I read through the entire Book of Romans.
Paul, too, knew all these concepts. In that era, he already knew these concepts.

I appreciate and love everything.

Tuesday

13th October

I wondered: What is love to me?
Excitement or tension are merely temporary and accidental emotions. They do not prove love.
I do not say I like someone based on such temporary things.
For me, happiness is the comfort and peace itself, with no emotions and no thoughts.
Therefore, I realized that the person I have been looking for since long ago matches this.

A person with whom I want to be and converse in that very comfort.
That is why, even until now, I do not prefer fast-paced meetings or relationships.
There were two mistakes, and I no longer want to hurt myself or the other person.
A person attracted to me internally, not externally. A love that is not done through emotions, thoughts, and the body..
Just love that happens naturally on its own. It cannot be understood. Because it is something that cannot be understood.

HAAAA.. In the morning, I had a short KakaoTalk exchange with the church president.
Since she didn't even remember the conversation we were supposed to have, I asked if it was just empty talk, but she didn't answer that.
In fact, she has said many empty words. She promised to buy me a meal after no-showing,
She gave my necklace to an acquaintance without telling me and said she'd buy me coffee,
She said she would tell me her story, and when I mentioned wanting to become closer, she directly said let's talk soon.

Am I stupid and foolish? No.
Is that person bad and evil? No.
I will continue to trust and wait for people in the future. And I will repay evil with good, with love.
Then, is the person who speaks empty words, that is, lies, bad? That person is not bad.
It is their world, which obscures their goodness, that is wrong. There is no need to blame them.
I will simply love them, return good to them, and yield my place to them like a dead tree.

This is not something that will be done by my own will. It will simply be something that happens naturally.
After writing this, I will not cling even to these words, but forget them as well.

The keychain I was making is truly in its final finishing stage.
I even bought a 0.00g ultra-precision scale to match the ratio, and I figured out how to remove water marks on black.
And the glossing too. Now it's really over once the resin cures well.
I want to hurry and make the 3rd Season products!

I appreciate and love everything.

Wednesday

14th October

The 27-story apartment was completed as of today. Tomorrow and Friday are expected to be easy.
I found out that the headache I have is not a migraine, but a cluster headache.
The moment a cluster headache comes, nasal congestion and eye swelling occur on the same side.
In the first place, it wasn't that my head hurt, but always a feeling inside my eye as if someone were tightly pressing the upper part of my eye..
When the pain is severe, I truly cannot do anything and just remain lying down.

Anyway, I headed to the workshop at 5 o'clock, and the ceramic resin poured yesterday was cured well.
I ran various experiments, and finally completed it!
However, since it is my first time doing this work, it is not perfect. It is okay for photos, but not at a skill level to sell.
So I plan to keep printing them out and practice while giving them away to acquaintances.

By the time I finished working, the time was close to 9 o'clock.
I was purely immersed in that one thing. These days, since I try not to do things by my own will, time passes so quickly.

I appreciate and love everything.

Thursday

15th October

Today was just cleaning the office floor on the 15th, so work finished early. Around 11?
I was going to head straight to the workshop, but because I took the wrong bus, I just came home, ate, and then headed to the workshop. I printed the keychains, did the resin work again..
In the evening, I was supposed to briefly meet the young adults' group president. But today too, he did not keep the promise.

Last Sunday, she mentioned that she herself was not faithful, so I wanted to give her a book, which is a pity.
It was not a no-show, but they arrived late, and I could no longer wait.
When we agreed to talk, she gave me very little time to begin with, and if they are 10 minutes late, I have nothing to say.
So when 5 minutes had passed, I left a KakaoTalk message and simply headed home.

I could have sworn. I could have been sarcastic. Tell her to diligently do that fine repentance of her.
To diligently do those things done only with the mouth, done only through acts.
But it is not that person's fault. It is their world that is wrong.
Now I have come to see events and people separately. Still, I must say what I want to say.

Perhaps after finishing this diary entry, I should speak to them simply with the desire that they might realize.
And I had made a resolution. To continue liking, believing in, and waiting for people in the future.
I know that these are not things done by will, by force, or through the ego.
However, I can feel it. That they are me, and I am them.
Therefore, there is no choice but to love them and no choice but to believe in them.

I appreciate and love everything.

Friday

16th October

In the morning, perhaps because there was something bothering me yesterday…. even though I continuously tried to let go of myself, my body did not head to the gym.
So I just.. repeated lying down, praying, and lying down in a state of awakening.
Here, I could not tell what was my will and what was my thought.
Even though I tried to empty my thoughts, mind, and will, my body did not move.
Perhaps wanting to go to the gym was what was actually my own will.

Anyway, I worked as usual, and because of a water hose issue, we started about 20 minutes late again.
While I was trying methods I had continuously used before, someone next to me was nagging this and that.. Since I was late too, emotions kept surging up inside me.
If they could have just been a little considerate for just today.. if you don't have teeth, you use your gums to manage..
Seeing them only trying to make things convenient for themselves in any way possible made me shake my head.
Even though I showed that I was making an effort, they kept nagging at me.

I remained awake and aware. Though I ended up saying something to them in the end, I was not swayed by my emotions.
Since everything that has a beginning also has an end. Still, we somehow found another way and resolved it.
When the work was finished, it was 12 o'clock, and my co-workers came to gather their equipment.
I could have just gone home, but I decided to stay, help them finish their remaining tasks, and then head home.
There was no calculation in that. Rather than thinking, my body simply reacted first, offering to help.
Even though I hadn't eaten, I was neither hungry nor exhausted. Because I had surrendered everything of mine to God.

Therefore, words like 'hungry' or 'exhausted' did not exist for me.
By the time all the work was finished, it was past 2 o'clock, and after returning home, I completed my English and Japanese studies.
In the morning, the church president contacted me, asking if I was available for a call today.
I had nothing to say.. and since my mind kept spinning, I stopped thinking.
I also did not reply right away, but replied when my mind stopped spinning, when my heart and thoughts were still.

I simply told them to call comfortably when available, and mentioned that I would call back if I missed it.
However, this too was not kept. I will just let it be as it is.

I appreciate everything.

Saturday

17th October

When I woke up in the morning, a KakaoTalk message had arrived from the young adults' group president.
Saying that a call would be possible at 11:30 PM.. well, since he did intend to do it today, I accept that.
And then he said that if it seems too late, he would call today instead—will he really?
I simply replied with just "Yes." I didn't particularly want to add anything more.

After working out and taking care of personal matters at home, I went to the workshop.
Since my co-worker's girlfriend said she also wanted to try resin work, I printed out what needs to be done tomorrow and sanded the resin that my co-worker poured yesterday.
I couldn't do all of them and only did 2 large ones, but before I knew it, 3 hours had passed.
For now, all the products are out, and I just need to take photos and upload them.

Today, the Saturday prayer meeting and the temple construction prayer meeting overlap.
This is a diary entry I am writing before going, and I will probably go.
There is no reason. I really don't even know why I am going. My heart and my body just lean that way.
In my mind, I don't want to go. Seeing the church president's face feels a bit awkward.
However, that is that, and this is this. Nothing can affect me.

The fascinating thing is, I want to give the church president a new product and a book.
As for the new product.. a subtle feeling of regret, wondering if he received stress because of me..
And as for the book.. I wrote down the reason on Thursday. I hope he becomes faithful.
Within the true God. Not the God that remains inside the world.

I simply cannot stop reading books.
Now, books are no longer necessary.. I am not living to acquire knowledge.
It is just that books are the only thing I can connect with and empath2ize with..
I read them not to learn something, but simply because I find empathy in them.
And that resonance is so deeply enjoyable.

I appreciate and love everything.

e99 *By -24

~~Key Chain~~
- ~~Finish~~

상표 등록 (In Progress)
2nd Season
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