-Monday-

다운타운에 다녀왔다. 줄리아 누나에게 꽃과 편지를 주기 위해서

비가 너무 많이 와서 콧물이 많이 나왔다. 누나 선물을 사려고 했는 데 의지가 부족했다.

이 날씨에 매장을 찾기도 귀찮았고.. 얇게 입고 나가서 감기에 걸릴 것만 같았다.

그냥 누나와 함께 가서 직접 고르라고 하는 게 편할 것 같아서 그러기로 했다.

남자친구가 있는 여자와 연락을 하는 게 맞을까?

그 사람의 허용범위가 어느정도인지 나는 모르겠지만, 적어도 내 허용범위에서는 벗어났다.

단지 내가 외로워서, 대화할 상대가 필요해서 계속 연락을 하는 걸까?

마음이 있다는 건 전에 받아들이기로 했다. 더 이상 날 부정하려고 애쓰고 싶지 않다.

왜 계속 연락이 기다려지는건지 모르겠다. 아 마음이 있기 때문이겠지

후에 내 여자친구가 나와 같은 사람과 이런 식이라면 내 기분은 어떨까?

그 전에 내가 상대 남자친구의 기분까지 신경을 써야할까?

정리가 되지 않는다. 내일 명상을 하며 정리를 해야할 것 같다. 놔야 한다면 놓을 거고

잡아야 한다면 잡을 것이고.. 뭔가 배우라고 내게 이 상황을 준 건 아닐까?

시간이 해결해 주는 건 알고 있다. 운명대로 흘러간다는 것 역시 알고 있다.

이런 생각을 하는 지금도 내게 무언가를 알려주기 위해서.. 그런것일 것이다.

-Tuesday-

마지막 날. 나에게 크리스마스, 신년은 특별한 의미가 없다.

그냥 사람이 정해놓은 개념이기도 하고, 큰 뭔가를 한 적도 없다.

크리스마스는 살면서 기억나는 건 유치원을 다닐 때 유치원에서 작은 파티를 했던 것.

그게 내 크리스마스 기억의 전부이다. 신년도 딱히 뭔가를 한 기억이 없다.

집에서 쉬며, 떡국을 먹고.. 난 떡국을 그렇게 선호하지 않는다.

신년이라고 일출을 보는 건 굳이 큰 의미를 갖고 있지 않다. 그냥 같은 하루 아닌가..

내일도 그 다음 날도 일출을 볼 수 있고 일몰을 볼 수 있다.

그냥 이렇게 31일은 마무리 됐다.

연락이 끊긴 친구들에게 새해 복 많이 받으라고 연락을 할까 했지만.. 무시당할까봐 무섭다.

무섭다고 하지도 않을 건가? 그냥 하면 된다.. 해볼까? 라는 생각을 지우면 인생이 편해진다.

하자 -> 했다. 이 프로세스를 머리 속에 저장했었다.

그래, 그냥 하자.

-Wednesday-

The New Year isn’t a special day for me.

It’s just a day that goes through as other days.

I planned on going to the English Bay to see an event that went into the ocean.

But I was lazy and headed out late then I checked the time when I would’ve arrived.

It was at around 3 pm, so I went back to my home.

Do you remember that I said I was interested in her who worked together?

I think it was wrong, I was just lonely. I got lost interest to keep in touch with her.

Actually, I don’t care if she gives me a reply to my message. 

Perhaps, I may have needed a friend who could talk with.

And this thing is good news that my message reached her who I considered whether texted or not yesterday.

We had fun on the text and the time flew. I wasn’t aware of the time for real.

I was afraid she didn’t answer my text, but she did! Fortunately.

However, that’s all. You know what? I think there are no friends in the world if they don’t go with me forever.

if they can’t do it, it’s just a known person no matter what they are girl or man.

That is what I realized.

-Thursday-

I started considering what friendship is about again…

I cut off the text between me and her who worked together.

I said I lost interest in her yesterday but perhaps.. I don’t know well.

Looking back, I really don’t know at all. I don’t know a relationship between a girl and a man, 

I don’t know what’s friendship.

The answer didn’t come out during meditation. I didn’t get envious of her boyfriend.

Basically, If I had a girlfriend and if she hung out with her friend who was a guy?

There must be jealousy and obsession. Does true love mean that I have to love her when I get those emotions?

In the first place, Can I afford them? In the first place, Do I really have an emotion that I love her?

What is fate trying to tell me? Couldn’t she stay by me just as a good friend?

Then, If my girlfriend denied our friendship? And If I didn’t want to make her feel anxious?

Then, Would I have to cut the friendship off? Is that friendship? Could friendship be forever?

If we didn’t see at the edge of our final life and then faded away,  are we friends? Is it just a known person?

It must hurt my heart when we did it although we had known each other for a long time.

These questions are flooded to my mind and I can’t afford them. It’s so tough

I slept late at night for two days while calling and texting her who I reached the day before yesterday.

This girl is definitely a friend. But girl, friend? I couldn’t fill up my heart as opposed to her who worked together.

I had fun but something feels like empty. Will the answer come out by tomorrow? 

-Friday-

My thoughts are lighter. There are no friends in my life both men and women.

From my perspective, The notion of a friend is a family and someone who can see the end of the final moment.

Others are just a known person. Just because I’m thinking of them as a known person, doesn’t mean I would give them poor treatment.

I will treat them as I’ve been doing it.

There is a moment in life. There is a moment to meet your soulmate. Someone goes and someone goes out.

They are people who fate sends for me.

In some moments, I would need this person and learn something and know about myself through it.

Yesterday, I said I cut off the text with her but I texted her again after making an excuse, so now we’re going well.

my heart was pounding from another friend this morning.

We talked about what manliness is and I told her what a man is that could open the cap instead of her.

But she told me what I did for her a long time ago and that’s manliness. Then she said why didn’t you know about it.

It touched my heart because she remembered everything I did for her.

Actually, I don’t think I’m sweet. I don’t know why many people say I am.

I just do it following my heart. That means that I don’t fit the word ‘sweet’

Perhaps, I get more attracted to someone who speaks a beautiful word than a face.

Sometimes, there are some words to make my heartbeat.

-Saturday-

I’m spending more time looking at my phone after I started texting my people.

I have to reduce it. There was nothing happened today.

I discussed with my sister for our business how to market and I had an idea.

The idea was that I would write one hundred letters and spread them to our neighbors.

But my sister said “No, it would never work” and said “People would never read it from a stranger”

You know what? The idea that I had might be more impressive than in the technology age.

I thought it was novel and the way that I put more of my sincerity into it.

If I sent a hundred letters and got just one answer, that would be a success! Because I would beat the odds.

What a business means to me is a way that I can spend more time on myself.

I don’t need money, I can live on being happy even if I would get minimum pay. But she thinks the money is the first.

And the words my sister said yesterday made me a more challenged person. Let’s see who is going to win.

I will do. I will do everything that my heart tells me.

Anyway, I made a new recipe. I experimented with the first food, which I had and then I made it for my sister after adjusting.

I will experiment again next week after getting feedback. I hope she’s going to like my food.

-Sunday-

I wore my Jordan 5 series shoes for the first in a long time.

They looked very clean. I think they’ve kept well.

Then I was downtown to get the driver abstract.

Then got back home. That’s all.

I didn’t think about anything like philosophy or something else today.