{"id":16811,"date":"2026-10-25T07:38:01","date_gmt":"2026-10-24T22:38:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/weami.kr\/?p=16811"},"modified":"2026-10-25T08:17:19","modified_gmt":"2026-10-24T23:17:19","slug":"%ec%9d%bc%ea%b8%b0-176","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/weami.kr\/en\/%ec%9d%bc%ea%b8%b0-176\/","title":{"rendered":"Journal 176: There is no next plan. I will live not by my own will, but by the will of God or 'That'."},"content":{"rendered":"
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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\"Journal\"\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Journal 176: There is no next plan. I will live not by my own will, but by the will of God or 'That'.<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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I have no next plan. I will live not by my own will, but by the will of God, or 'That.'\n\n
I still do not know what is right or wrong. It is still the same sensing as yesterday.\n\n
Yet I will continue to empty myself. Until the inner conflict disappears completely.<\/b><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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Sunday<\/div>
18th October<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t
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Yesterday evening during the prayer meeting, a text message arrived from the young adult president.\n\n
Saying let's talk on the phone at 10:30 PM, so I postponed my usual 9:00 PM sleep quite a bit.\n\n
I had no conversation to lead. However, since he suggested it first, I simply responded to it.\n\n
Even if there was a conversation, my intention was not the content from yesterday.<\/p>


The young adult president said I was being rude. The reason given was that I told him he avoids\/evades things,\n\n
and on Sunday, while discussing sharing questions, I seem to have upset him during a talk about promises.\n\n
He frequently made empty promises, and when he mentioned that he finds people who keep promises trustworthy and good,\n\n
I asked if that wasn't contradictory to his own life. Then he flared up on his own and said he wasn't faithful.\n\n
He also said it was rude of me to say that the world is what's wrong, not him.<\/p>

Does separating the sin from the person constitute rudeness? Is it not a twisted world where empty words are taken for granted?\n\n
I never reviled his environment, nor did I revile his acquaintances. I merely pointed out that his world\u2014shaped by those very perceptions\u2014was flawed.\n\n
From another perspective, isn't an environment that enables such behavior without correction also at fault?\n\n
If one claims to be a Christian, should they not know even more clearly that empty words\u2014lies themselves\u2014are evil? To speak of such things so brazenly..<\/p>

Not only that, but he also expanded and interpreted everything, defining me inside the imagination of his own world as he spoke.\n\n
I kept asking him why he was defining things by assuming \"it must be so,\" even though I hadn't even thought of them.\n\n
In the end, I honestly don't even remember what he said. He spoke at length, but none of it hit home.\n\n
On top of that, though I didn't mention it to him, he probably mistook it as me wanting to talk about faith again or craving a deep conversation.\n\n
Even though my intention when asking to meet and talk one last time was about something entirely different.<\/p>

I think the part that went awry was the KakaoTalk message after I asked to meet one last time.. I deleted it, so I don't remember clearly.\n\n
At that time, I wasn't looking for struggles of faith, nor was I seeking deep philosophical conversation. Simply put, I wanted a date. Even though I couldn't say it aloud.\n\n
Since basic conversation seemed to flow well between us.. the conversation I wanted to have at the end was actually an apology I wished to offer.\n\n
About how I had deceived myself and her, and how I had been tossed around by conflicts over faith without being clear and certain.\n\n
I wanted to explain why I didn't drop formal speech, and my inner conflict between private and public meetings, along with my feelings.\n\n
Together with an apology. Of course, I too have committed wrongdoings. No.. if honesty is called rudeness, then I will simply be rude.<\/p>

It was necessary to speak about treating empty promises as natural, as there was a need to bring awareness to it.\n\n
Well.. the moment I hung up the phone, I felt an intuition that it was time to leave the church.\n\n
And today, I stated that next week will be my last for the cafe, and today will be my last for attending the church.\n\n
It is not out of my own ego-will, nor because I dislike seeing someone. It is simply that the time has come.\n\n
I do not hate him either. Rather, even now, I hope that he personally experiences God.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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    <\/div>
    Monday<\/div>
    19th October<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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    It's been a while since I did water tank cleaning.. My body is so exhausted!\n\n
    Starting tomorrow, I'll be going to an even tougher place to work..\n\n
    Maybe it's good because I can fall fast asleep right away without any stray thoughts.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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      <\/div>
      Tuesday<\/div>
      20th October<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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      Today, my body was not in good shape. I had no strength while working, and it was hard to wake up in the morning.\n\n
      After work, a mild cluster headache set in, so I took medicine before meeting a church member at 6 o'clock.<\/p>

      At 6 o'clock, when I met the church member, it was enjoyable. We ate tacos together while listening to his stories.\n\n
      He shared stories about his military service, and I found them very entertaining.\n\n
      I truly thought.. how would it have been if we had eaten together much earlier?\n\n
      Wondering if we might have become even closer.<\/p>

      After eating together, we went to Starbucks. I don't drink coffee, so I had chamomile tea.\n\n
      We shared many casual, everyday conversations again. We communicated surprisingly well.\n\n
      Then, along with telling him that I am leaving the church, I brought up faith-related topics.\n\n
      This time, I was careful.. so that it wouldn't feel rude.<\/p>

      I emphasized that it was merely my opinion, and I listened to him until the end without interrupting.\n\n
      I resonated with many parts of what he said and agreed with several points as well.\n\n
      However, in the end, he ultimately said that he felt disrespected by my question.\n\n
      That question was not a difficult one. I had no intention of undermining his faith or trying to convert him.<\/p>

      It was simply a question of what judgment leads him to believe in Jesus so firmly.\n\n
      Mark 16:12: \"After that, He appeared in another form to two of them as they walked and went into the country.\"\n\n
      I asked him whether he would believe if Jesus came in the form of a seven-year-old child,\n\n
      or if he would only believe if the Pope authenticated Him.<\/p>

      The answer is simple. I just believe in Jesus. That one phrase is enough.\n\n
      I didn't understand why that made him feel disrespected,\n\n
      but since he said he felt disrespected, I apologized right away.\n\n
      I no longer want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. And lastly, I also said this.<\/p>

      <\/p>

      I told him to push forward with what he believes until the end.\n\n
      If that brings him happiness, then pushing forward with it is right, and I support him.\n\n
      Because I don't know the answer.. I no longer wish to insist that I am right.\n\n
      If they are happy, then that is what is right for them. Unless they ask me first, it is a subject I will not bring up again.\n\n
      I will not speak of our directions being different or our ways of believing being different either.\n\n
      It is not running away. Rather than forcing them into my world, I enter theirs.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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      1. I appreciate and love everything.<\/p><\/li><\/ol>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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        <\/div>
        Wednesday<\/div>
        21st October<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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        My questions seem to reach everyone's ears with the wrong intention after all.\n\n
        \"If Jesus appeared right before your eyes as a 7-year-old child, would you believe in that child?\"\n\n
        \"If it were said that God is somewhere else, could you abandon the faith you hold right now?\"\n\n
        Neither of these was intended to doubt their faith. I already know that they believe in Jesus.\n\n
        <\/b>My intention was to ask whether the subject of that belief originates from within themselves, or from someone else.\n\n
        In other words, it was also a question asking: when everyone says YES, can you stand alone and say NO?<\/p>

        Of course, I also admit that I hadn't fully grasped my own intention, so it wasn't explained sufficiently.\n\n
        Well.. I consider this as learning and coming to understand things one by one. I suppose this is why discussion is important.\n\n
        Being broken, shattered, feeling embarrassed.. but these too belong to the world, and are merely things that come and go..<\/p>

        These days, because my physical condition isn't great, I sleep more. No matter how much I sleep, the fatigue doesn't go away.\n\n
        Cleaning water tanks isn't hard, but strangely, I keep getting sleepy.\n\n
        Lately, since I don't calculate gains and losses and just do things right away, my mind is at peace.\n\n
        Having no inner conflict is truly a happy thing.<\/p>

        In the evening, I decided to briefly meet a younger acquaintance. I plan to give him the book I promised to give him last time.\n\n
        He'll be coming after studying and will probably be hungry, so I intend to buy and bring some simple dumplings for him.\n\n
        And as for me\u2026 I thought about going to the studio\u2026 but today, I want to offer a prayer.\n\n
        The studio can wait until tomorrow, and that is completely fine!<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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        1. I appreciate and love everything.<\/p><\/li><\/ol>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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          Thursday<\/div>
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          1. \u2013<\/li><\/ol>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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            Friday<\/div>
            23rd October<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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            Today passed by quietly as well.\n\n
            I try my best to remain focused on \"I am\" as much as possible..\n\n
            But as the time spent within the world lengthens, that sensing fades weaker.\n\n
            Now I truly cannot even tell what is my own will and what is God's will.\n\n
            Whenever I do anything, it just feels as though my own will\u2014my thoughts, mind, and physical state\u2014intervenes.<\/p>

            Will the day ever come when I understand all of these things?\n\n
            I don't really know. Let's just focus on the 'now'.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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            1. I appreciate and love everything.<\/p><\/li><\/ol>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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              <\/div>
              Saturday<\/div>
              17th October<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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              Today, I went to the studio for the first time in a while.\n\n
              Work was tiring, and after doing the things I had to do, I hadn't had time to go.\n\n
              Going there after a long time and working, I identified what was lacking, and I plan to revise them next week.\n\n
              I also planned to buy some more necessary materials.<\/p>

              The items sold on Amondz still haven't been settled\/paid out.\n\n
              I sent an inquiry email, but almost two weeks have passed without a response.\n\n
              I'll probably have to send another email on Monday.<\/p>

              After returning home from the studio.. a younger female friend I recently met said she wanted to eat a cake I made, so I baked a cheesecake.\n\n
              I made it using a rice cooker instead of an oven, and I think I'll only know how it tastes tomorrow.\n\n
              Cooking like this again feels not bad at all. It feels like refilling a sense of romance after a long time.\n\n
              Tomorrow is also the final day of my volunteer work at the cafe. I don't feel regretful, nor do I feel relieved.\n\n
              Is it because I know that what is meant to happen simply happens at its appointed time?<\/p>

              I have no next plan. I will live not by my own will, but by the will of God, or 'That.'\n\n
              I still do not know what is right or wrong. It is still the same sensing as yesterday.\n\n
              Yet I will continue to empty myself. Until the inner conflict disappears completely.<\/b><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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              1. I appreciate and love everything.<\/li><\/ol>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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